2014/10/10

I think things and relation between me and you had came to an ending part. I don't know whether is it true or not that you will no longer be my father and i will no longer to be your son. Since that day you treated me like that, i've started to feel disappointed on you but not you but not i disappoint you. Before i move out, let me tell you something. I WILL LIVE BETTER THAN NOW WHEN I AM STAYING WITH YOU. Remember this. I will. No matter what i will make myself a better one but not the one who need you. To me, father is just a word but not a name for somebody else. I believe there will be rainbow after this heavy rain. I believe i can change my life with myself. I COULD and WILL be a better one.I will not let you look down on me. Oh ya, i might also change my name and also everything that related with you. the father's side of my birth cert will leave empty after i moved out. because you are the one who make this happen. Between a divorce children is the most innocent people and you make the innocent one into the sad one. I will make the evil one into the regret one. I will change my life with my bare hand. You know what, I will never forgive you. lastly you deserve a fuck. Fuck you o0o kc.

2014/7/29

God, can i ask you a question? What makes me deserve this kind of punishment? Do you know it's killing me? I just want a place that i can sleep which is safe and sound. I just want a place that's belongs to me. I just want a place which i could hide or stay inside when im sad even when i'm alone. Isn't it so difficult? I don't want to be a bird without leg or even without a safe nest which could protect me. You make me feel so lost until i don't know what i left in my life even i don't know what can i do to make myself feel safer. I'm so fucking lost until i also dont know where is safe and i could hide inside. I want somewhere which is warm to keep myself warm and comfortable. I don't need lots of houses but one house which can keep me safe. Please, i just want feel safe. thanks.

2014/4/11

I have no idea why my life would be so sucks. WHY it happen on me? I really hate the person who used to be my dad. I hate this guy. Car was broke down and I just tell him I've fixed the car and claim part of the money from him and he tell me to eat shit. He doesn't even bother to pay. That's fine, I asked him again for the mobile phone bill which should be paid by him and he told me to take from mother and he had to pay for our insurance this and that. Hello, you're lying to me again. Our insurance had expired since febuary. That's mean you do not pay for the insurance since February. Tell me why you want to lie? What's the problem with you? You don't even want to pay for my phone bills. If I'm working I wouldn't have to ask for money from you. I have no income at all do you know? The petrol subsidy reduce from RM60 to RM50 per week. How you want me to drive? My college is located in Setapak. Everyday the journey from house to college is more than 10KM+. 2 ways will be 20KM+ I have to pay for the extra petrol and I told you I got no enough money to use but you said i spend a lot. You just give me RM500 per month for everything. Eat,petrol,stationery,photostat,etc. Everything I pay myself. Imagine RM500 to cover everything do you think it's enough? Frankly no. Every month I have to take out my saving which i earn when i was working. I have to take at least RM50-70 every month. You're really kidding me. I said sunday i can't go for the funeral because of going college for tuition and you mad at me. You complain that my result is sucks and this and that. I study so hard everyday do you know? You don't even stand on my side to think. Do you think i really want to be like that? Who cause this? YOU! You're the one who cause this. Earlier of march you called two uncles to beat up my mother. She was beaten up badly and do you think I can focus on studying? You said you're not wrong and she should beaten up. Let me tell you something. FUCK YOU! YOU'RE JUST A SON OF A BITCH! YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE MY DAD! If i could earn money myself i would've leave you and live myself. I'm staying with you until i finish my degree study. Once i'm finish you will confirm lost a son!

2014/3/12

After so many incidents happened. I just have some time to take a breath. It's a good thing i guess. But I can't imagine my life will be that tough. Something bad just happened and how i feel like she's going to leave me soon. I don't know why. I just have this kind of feeling. After that incident her parents knew that my family status is so much complicated that a normal family, they start to discourage her from getting together with me. I don't know why, even i don't really hope i will have this kind of family. I also hope to have a complete family. But why can't they understand my feelings? They only think that child who came out from broken family is bad and can't go for them or getting together with them. What's the problem? I'm just an ordinary guy. Although my family is broken doesn't mean that my family will be like that too. Why you all have to use this kind of way to see me.I know I come from a family, but at least give me a chance to show me that I can become better than them. I don't know if really they stop her from getting with me or not. But I just can feel it. I can feel the force, I don't know why. I'm so scare and worry. These few days our topic is getting lesser and lesser until we both don't really talk much in the car. I feel like we are like strangers and not like how we used to be.I feel so worry and scare. What if it's real? I just can't imagine how it will happen. I do really love her a lot. She's almost like my everything.Life is always sucks like hell. #justwantabetterlife

2014/2/25

Many things had happen within these few months. Parents are going to divorce soon. Is it good for me? Why would this be my problem? I was forced to choose who to follow and i don't really know who to choose. I feel like choosing myself and live alone with their money. My life now is very suffer. I have to face both of my parents and they're not going to pay me a single cent for my life expenses. They don't even feel like paying phone bills for me. What should i do? I don't really think and hope to have a family. At least i just want some money to cover my own expenses and also for my school fees. Really hope when i go through all of these problems i will have a better life. At least have some money for me to pay my school bills and also my life expenses.If there's really god I hope god could help me on it.

2014/1/14

Happy valentine day to you! I know i dissapoint you for not remembering today is valentine day. I'm so sorry. So stressful these few days as exam is coming soon and it just left 2 days. I'm going to die under the stress and hope exam could pass faster. Both of their relation is getting worse and i start to worry i will be like them in future. It do makes me worry sometimes. Sometimes i just hope i could have a day to go out shopping with you all like how others family could be. I really wish this is just a nightmare and when i woke up everything went back to normal and as usual. Everytime i pinch myself i know that this is not a dream. Its true but its not easy to accept this until now i'm from a broken family. I do really feel so sad and sometimes my tears will fall out in a sudden within my control coverage. Why i will be in one of the broken family? Is this a challenge from god? What is i won this challenge? Will they return back a complete and sweet family for me? I do want it so badly. Everytime when i flashback to the old memories i feel so sad and wanted to be back to those times and dont let it past. But i know this is not possible. Once the memories flash back my tears drop once. Why? I feel so suffer some times. I just hope i could be protected but not the one who protect others. I do really feel tired. I just hope someone could protect me and let me have some rest and never get hurt by anyone or anything. My heart is so cold as i cant feel the warmth of the family at all. Is so breezing cold until I couldn't do anything to warm it up. I'm so tired with my current life. Why my life will be so tough until i dont know how to walk towards my future. I want a family. Can I? :'(

2013/12/30

Hello again. Today is the 2nd last day of 2013 and i'm still having a lots of problemsss with me. I don't want them to follow me to 2014. Can it be? Can you just treat your son better? I just want a better laptop which could let me to do my work. The one i want is a bit costy. I don't mind to pay part of it as i know you won't pay for the whole macbook. I juat want a macbook is that so difficult? You said i spend a lot everyday and now i stop spending and start to save money all the time do you know? I try to skip meals and I've not touch all the foods that i like and also movie anymore. Why? Because of you i stop this and that. It's BECAUSE of you! You complain that i spend much and this and that. Fine! i don't spend but end up i got the same ending also. Do you know how much I desperate for macbook? From the last time you buy me this blue acer laptop my heart is at macbook already. I've no heart for others laptop at all but end up i bought it too. What is the reason i buy this laptop? One big reason: CHEAP! CHEAP! CHEAP!!! I'm your son but why you can treat me like that? Why can't you be more kind to me? I got nothing for my last year birthday present not even christmas present. Do you know what you've said last time? You promised us you'll buy us present every birthday and christmas. :'( You promised us do you know? I do really feel so sad for i got nothing for my last birthday. Where is your promise daddy? Where is it? Is it gone? I feel so stress everytime when i take a cent from you do you know? You're not like mum, you're so selfish to your son, mummy will buy us anything as long as it's reasonable and affordable. Do you know everytime i go shopping and buying grocery with you and i just want to buy some junk foods, some juice and those snacks. You gave us pressure and like calling us not to buy. But why? It's not useless stuff but food. We're just buying foods. Why? You're so selfish to us but kind to people outside? You even tho of buying electronic gadgets for cousins but why not us? You pity them for losing a dad when they're kid. I feel like my dad's love has been separate into half and i left half only. And now i dont even have a little bit. Do you know you said many things that hurt my heart badly? I know even i say you won't admit what you've done. You talk bad bout me infront of everyone. You don't even leave some face for me. I'm a man already I'm 18 yearsold already. But why you cant just leave some face for me? I'm your son and why you want to make joke on me? I fetch y gf and she sleep on my chest and is there any problem? I feel like there's not a problem at all do you know? Everyone have their own privacy and you saw it i thought you'll help me to keep this secret. I'm so dissapointed on you do you know? You spread infront of so many people. All the family members. Did you think of my feeling before telling? You made me feel so shame. Actually that night I wasn't that sleepy, i just act like i'm sleepy because i want to go home badly as i've no face anymore. I want to leave that place so badly and i don't know how to face them anymore do you know? I cannot imagine whet it would be for Chinese New Year. I can assure my face will gone and you'll take me as a joke. I've expected this will happen. You'll make fun on your own son and you won't care bout his feeling. You only care bout yourself. As long as you;re happy then everything will be fine.Remember last time you call me to say out all your bad things but i didn't do it do you know why? You said you'll listen but you angry for what i've said. So i rather to keep everything inside my heart and spread it out here as there's noone will see what is hiding inside my heart as least i gave them my deep thoughts in my heart here. I don't wish you to know how i feel because i want to let it go at one time when the time has reached. Once i let it out is the moment our relation will getting worse than this one. We wont talk that time and i wont come back anymore. Believe me, you'll be living alone in such big house and 2 of us will not be here with you. You'll be eat alone sleep alone talk with the tv. But please don't make this day come true k? It will be hard for you and me. So behave yourself. I can still be your friend is you start to treat me good and don't stab my back infornt of other people. I do hate you stabbing my back infront of other people. Imagine if i stab your back. You won't like it right? So please don't do it to me. I'm not keep on talk bout money with you, this is only how i talk to mum and i just talk to you like how i talk to her. I want to treat both of you fairly. Dad all the money i take from you is HOW I USED TO TAKE MONEY FROM MOTHER! IMAGINE HOW MUCH SHE SPENT ON US BUT NOT YOU! SELFISH GUY! I START TO HATE YOU DADDY! You'll only be good to be when you need HELP FROM ME!