2013/12/30

Hello again. Today is the 2nd last day of 2013 and i'm still having a lots of problemsss with me. I don't want them to follow me to 2014. Can it be? Can you just treat your son better? I just want a better laptop which could let me to do my work. The one i want is a bit costy. I don't mind to pay part of it as i know you won't pay for the whole macbook. I juat want a macbook is that so difficult? You said i spend a lot everyday and now i stop spending and start to save money all the time do you know? I try to skip meals and I've not touch all the foods that i like and also movie anymore. Why? Because of you i stop this and that. It's BECAUSE of you! You complain that i spend much and this and that. Fine! i don't spend but end up i got the same ending also. Do you know how much I desperate for macbook? From the last time you buy me this blue acer laptop my heart is at macbook already. I've no heart for others laptop at all but end up i bought it too. What is the reason i buy this laptop? One big reason: CHEAP! CHEAP! CHEAP!!! I'm your son but why you can treat me like that? Why can't you be more kind to me? I got nothing for my last year birthday present not even christmas present. Do you know what you've said last time? You promised us you'll buy us present every birthday and christmas. :'( You promised us do you know? I do really feel so sad for i got nothing for my last birthday. Where is your promise daddy? Where is it? Is it gone? I feel so stress everytime when i take a cent from you do you know? You're not like mum, you're so selfish to your son, mummy will buy us anything as long as it's reasonable and affordable. Do you know everytime i go shopping and buying grocery with you and i just want to buy some junk foods, some juice and those snacks. You gave us pressure and like calling us not to buy. But why? It's not useless stuff but food. We're just buying foods. Why? You're so selfish to us but kind to people outside? You even tho of buying electronic gadgets for cousins but why not us? You pity them for losing a dad when they're kid. I feel like my dad's love has been separate into half and i left half only. And now i dont even have a little bit. Do you know you said many things that hurt my heart badly? I know even i say you won't admit what you've done. You talk bad bout me infront of everyone. You don't even leave some face for me. I'm a man already I'm 18 yearsold already. But why you cant just leave some face for me? I'm your son and why you want to make joke on me? I fetch y gf and she sleep on my chest and is there any problem? I feel like there's not a problem at all do you know? Everyone have their own privacy and you saw it i thought you'll help me to keep this secret. I'm so dissapointed on you do you know? You spread infront of so many people. All the family members. Did you think of my feeling before telling? You made me feel so shame. Actually that night I wasn't that sleepy, i just act like i'm sleepy because i want to go home badly as i've no face anymore. I want to leave that place so badly and i don't know how to face them anymore do you know? I cannot imagine whet it would be for Chinese New Year. I can assure my face will gone and you'll take me as a joke. I've expected this will happen. You'll make fun on your own son and you won't care bout his feeling. You only care bout yourself. As long as you;re happy then everything will be fine.Remember last time you call me to say out all your bad things but i didn't do it do you know why? You said you'll listen but you angry for what i've said. So i rather to keep everything inside my heart and spread it out here as there's noone will see what is hiding inside my heart as least i gave them my deep thoughts in my heart here. I don't wish you to know how i feel because i want to let it go at one time when the time has reached. Once i let it out is the moment our relation will getting worse than this one. We wont talk that time and i wont come back anymore. Believe me, you'll be living alone in such big house and 2 of us will not be here with you. You'll be eat alone sleep alone talk with the tv. But please don't make this day come true k? It will be hard for you and me. So behave yourself. I can still be your friend is you start to treat me good and don't stab my back infornt of other people. I do hate you stabbing my back infront of other people. Imagine if i stab your back. You won't like it right? So please don't do it to me. I'm not keep on talk bout money with you, this is only how i talk to mum and i just talk to you like how i talk to her. I want to treat both of you fairly. Dad all the money i take from you is HOW I USED TO TAKE MONEY FROM MOTHER! IMAGINE HOW MUCH SHE SPENT ON US BUT NOT YOU! SELFISH GUY! I START TO HATE YOU DADDY! You'll only be good to be when you need HELP FROM ME!

2013/12/22

Hmm.. Getting worse these few days. Totally don't know what can I do at all. Things is getting more and more complicated. I'm getting more and more confuse.When you both talk bout your problems i start to feel stress, sometimes I can't even concentrate on driving. I'm so stuck these few days. What can i do? I still got a lot of stuff to do. I'm so tired until don't know what I should do to release myself. It's like my brain has been stored a bunch of rubbish and cannot be process at all. I'm done with all these. I just want to rest and do what i should do and cope with problems which i have to but not all these rubbish stuff that given by you! You such a rubbish! Is there any dad that will talk something bad about their son behind them? I can tell you yes! There's one dad would do that whom is my fucking dad. Why do you want to treat your own son like that? Why can't you leave some face for me? I'm also a human who need dignity. These days i start to want something from her. But i can feel that she doesn't really want to give. Don't know why last time i will not want this kind of stuff with her but now i start to feel like wanting it from her. What should i do? I don't really want to be like that somemore i can feel like she doesn't really want it. I feel so sorry to her that i did that to her that day. Luckily she doesn't really mind what bad things i've done. Should i take that from her? Or i shouldn't? Maybe i'll just forget bout it and continue our relationship without that thing. I guess so. Hope i could do it. Don't really want to be like that. But just... Haih.

2013/12/16

Having a terrible headache today. I really can't let that thing off from my mind. Even when i'm in college i still keep on thinking on you both's matter. I'm really stress and don't know what to do. I'm getting headache because of this. I'm really tired. I really hope someone could sleep with me and just stay with me but why she doesn't even want to accompany me to sleep? I really feel like finding anyone to accompany me to sleep. I feel so lonely sometimes and i just want some warm from anyone. Family warm is getting far far away from me. It's totally gone. I just miss the moment when someone could hold me tight. I'm so scare of being alone in my house everyday and hide inside the room. :( I miss you and i need you so much. :'( Tim is so suffer.

2013/12/15

Today. Second day without maid and my life is getting more and more sucks. Seems like you both's relationship is getting better than .last time. It's good maybe? I don't really know. I'm getting more and more confuse until i don't know what i suppose to do. Early in the morning when you came in and start to scold me that i don't do the houseworks. I'm just trying to get some rest for myself,can you understand? I'm still having class on monday and i just want to get more rest as i've really tortured by both of your relationship and those words that you keep repeating for a million times. I'm done with all these. You enjoy doing all the houseworks but i don't. You complain that i didn't help you up on doing housework but you never realise that i will need sometime to get used of it and somemore you're FORCING me to do it. I'm really tired with all these. You've did enough to hurt me. During night time i just want to buy some biscuit for in case that i have nothing to eat in house and i won't starve. Today you don't even buy me lunch. You bought 2 packs of noodle for 2 of my brother but not for me. I don't mind that you don't buy anything for me but at least let me buy something to put in the house in case of getting starve. I really can't get what is in your mind. Why do you want to be so selfish to your son? I'm your son but not others people. You prefer to be kind to others people but not your own family members? Why? Everytime when i'm just trying to request for something you'll said that i'm wasting money but you don't even listen to my explaination. Why don't you just be more kind and try to understand how i think? Do you know i'm so so so stress these few days? I'm so stress is because of you. I don't even know how to stay with you in my following life. I have no choice but stay with you because mom can't take care of three of us. I choose to stay with you because i want both of my brother to stay with mom and i don't want them to suffer like how i did now. I try not to think but i can't do it you know? Sometimes i do wet up my pillow in my room do you know? I always pretend that i'm fine and be happy everyday is not because of i want. I just don't want to let anyone to see how sucks i am and how shit my current life is. I'm really stress do you know? I still got a lot of my studies to cope with. I can't catch up with the syllabus already, but i still have to deal with all these stuff which i not suppose to and i'm really distract by you. Everytime you tell me the same thing and trying to remind me how sucks my future life would be, why don't you try to figure it out how to make our life better? i know our family is going to broke but why you're like not going to do anything to solve this problem but keep on complaining this and that? I'm your son, i need you to take care and protect me but until today this moment i feel like you can't even protect or take care of me. You always say that our topic only left something related with money but do you think why? I really don't know how to talk to you, i don't even don't know what we should talk and what you really like. i think it's enough for today. I'm really tired with this. I just want to rest and leave all these away. I want nothing but rest. Tim wish to be loved.

2013/12/14

hello tim. :) I know you're very tired. You're very stress but please stay strong, because you have nothing now. Your family is broken, you have no normal family like others.Other family's parents do fight,but they get back together after a fight, but your parents didn't get back after fight. Once they fight, things getting worse and worse. Unfortunately you're the eldest son in this family. Parents always leave all their responsibility to you and leave everything for you and wait you to get it done. Actually you're very stress and yet you can't do anything because of this. They're going to divorce!! Why? Why me? Why it happens on my family? I don't want this to be happen, can I? Everytime when I think of this matter, it does kills me a lot. I've been struggling for a long time. I love both of my parents. I do love them a lot. But why? I really can't take all these anymore. That's the reason why this script will be here. I don't mind to help them. I've been doing all these since end of form 4 until now. I wish both of them to be happy so I didn't give any comment on their marridge. I want you both to be happy but at the same time I don't want you both to go like that. It's very hard for me to accept this fact do you both know? I've try to stay strong for my past few years and try not to think bout it and let it be. Things getting worse within these few months. Mum has bought a house and she's going to move out from here and leave this family. She'll bring my youngest brother along to live with her. I don't mind that i can't get any love from them anymore. what i really hope and want is don't divorce like that please. :'( I have no security at all. I feel so unsafe. Imagine that a family which lost one of the guardian that used to protect their children. I've lost one and I left one guardin that don't know me well at all. what he does know about me is I'm a money sucker and know nothing. I don't mind you to think about me at this way, but please don't complain to others people that the topic between me and you has only left money. You never try to catch up and understand how i think. You never try to know me and now you complain that I don't talk to you but only take money from you. I did try to communicate with you, but end up you close that convo by a different opinion or other way of thinking. Did you really understand how i feel? Frankly, everytime when i go out to shop or anywhere, i do envy those kids or teenagers who have a complete family and i start to imagine i have one too. Dreams are always sweet and fact is always the one which kills. When i woke up from my imagination, i do start to feel sad and continue my life. My life is getting more and more tough, i have to cope with my studies which is getting more and more difficult somemore housemaid has gone. i have to do my housework by my own. I've noone to help me now and it;s getting more and more tough. I really can't imagine my life after they have divorced. Every day when i woke up, this problem appears in my mind until the day i sleep. It never gone no matter how hard i try to get rid of it. I'm so tired with my life, what it would happen next? Sometimes i do think of ending my life, i know it's stupid but i do think of it. I really can't take this anymore. I'm mentally and Physically tired. now a days when i feel stress or getting stuck by this kind of problem i do cry during night time. I really wish someone could hug me and sleep because i feel very unsafe. I feel like noone could protect me anymore. Once my family has broken i have nothing left. Some people say that once you lost your partner or friends you might think of this is the end of your life but you forgotten that you still have a family. What is i lost my family? I really have nothing except my friends and partner. Once i lost them i got nothing. i really lost everything. Everyday i try to hide my feel from everyone, i try not to let people know how i realy feel because i have to act like i'm strong enough and noone dare to come to attack me or try to hurt me. I'm the eldest son in my family, i have 2 brothers to take care. Now, my job is study, doing part of parent's job, houseworks and take caring of my brothers. Do you know i do feel tired and i feel like i need a thousand years of time to rest. I couldn't stay any stronger anymore. I just hope i could have a complete family, that's it. I just want this wish to come true. I hope it just a nightmare and once i woke up everything goes like how it used to be. Please don't hurt me, i can't take it anymore. I'm just a young adult who wants to be protect when it's needed. He is tired with his life without any security. He feels unsafe everyday everynight. Please love him and protect him like how you all used to be. He scare he would be abandon by anyone. Luckily he has a girlfriend who could makes him feel better and try to help him, or else he couldn't imagine how his life would be. Tim is just a weak person who needs love and protection when he feels unsafe and lost himself in the middle of the sea. Tim wish to be loved.